Couples Counseling

 Sometimes relationship problems feel like fighting, taking sides, defensiveness, misunderstanding, and ultimately acting like people you don’t want to be.

 Sometimes relationship problems feel like quiet distance, loneliness, polite conversation about everything but what is going on between you.

 Sometimes relationship problems feel like you are chasing your partner, trying to get a response, trying to get some buy-in, never getting back as much as you put in.  Or maybe you are the one who is always being chased, bothered, never good enough, accused of never showing up in the right way.

 These are just three possible ways you could feel, and if you can relate I’ll bet you’re wondering how I could characterize your situation so well.  It’s because they are all very common ways humans respond to tension in relationship.  You did not get here because you are bad at relationships.  You got here because you and your partner are human.

 The trick is to notice the pattern.  The trick is to learn what it means, who you are, and how to be there for each other in a different way than the one you’ve played out countless times before.  The trick is to not get caught in a dance that is moving you instead of you moving it.

 Couple’s work identifies common themes, explains who you are, and more importantly, what you need to be happy.  This work was designed to get to the bottom of why you fight, or why you avoid fighting, or why you chase each other around.  Most significantly, it works to help you know yourself, how to ask for what you need, and how to anticipate and meet the needs of your partner.  

 But what if you have a different problem?  What if your relationship is different than what is commonly seen?

 To some extent every relationship is a variation on the themes above.  Family upbringing, cultural expectations, whether or not you have kids, traumas you have suffered all contribute to the unique make-up of your relationship.  The patterns are how human nature comes into play, but they are not the whole picture.  Other tools can help customize the experience to your needs.

 I’ll bet you’re also wondering what to do if you want to work on the relationship, but your partner doesn’t.  It’s a good point because the first obstacle of couple’s work is to get everyone to the table.  Most of the time people want to do something about the discomfort of not getting along with a partner.  Perhaps the hesitation is that your partner is losing hope that the relationship can be repaired.  If that is the case, it is the perfect time to get support.  Part of my job is to highlight the areas that can, and do, improve with time and attention- so you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.